Hidden Side {Sorry}

Hey everyone. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much I would like to. And sorry that most of the posts I've done lately have been darker than usual (except for the last one.) I've kind of been stuck in the dark lately, and it's been impacting multiple parts of my life, including my blog.

These last few days have been really rough for me. It seems like most days are like this, but that there are patches of good days every once in a while. I honestly feel like my life is just crumbling away right now. It's truly horrible putting on a smile and pretending like it's all okay with my friends and family, and then when I'm alone I'm the complete opposite. I feel so much hurt inside right now though. It like hurts to breathe sometimes, and it hurts to eat. There have been a few times where I have started gagging while trying to eat. I literally am forcing myself to eat these days. And as I sit here in the darkness of my bedroom, I feel the inside of my chest aching. It's not like a heart burn or stomach ache type of ache. It's different. It's like, uncomfortable. It's the feeling of emptiness. Days like today I just feel so empty inside. I feel no hope or enthusiasm or care or motivation. I'm just empty. I've been sitting here for hours today doing absolutely nothing. Just sitting. I'm stressed beyond belief about a physics lab due tomorrow, but I still haven't touched it. I just cant find the power to pull myself out of this darkness and get to work. I'm just so distracted. Days like today I often just zone off. I sit at brunch surrounded by friends, yet I sit there blankly. I get up early to take a shower, and find myself sitting on the bottom of the tub under the hot water, in the dark. I don't understand myself anymore. I hate feeling so lost, and empty inside. The only thing that's been keeping me semi-lively, and that I've been looking forward to is seeing Gillian again. She returning is the only thought that has been keeping me going everyday in school. I need her hugs, and love right now. I have the strongest feeling that I'm just going to fall apart in her arms when I see her. I miss her so much, and she's been there for me more than anyone. Even when she's across the country at college, she still is there listening and being there for me. Anyway, I just really want this week to end. I am so done right now. I just want to be able to sleep with no school worries on my mind. It will be one less thing to stress about. I've been reminding myself to stay strong, so that I can get through the rest of this week. Then there will be thanksgiving break. Thank God.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

P.S. If any of you readers go to my school, please come talk to me. I honestly don't care who you are, or what we even talk about. I just need someone to talk to sometimes. It helps keep me going, and can sometimes make things a little less lonely.

P.S.S. I really hope I don't regret posting this. I always get so nervous when I post such serious, and personal things.

Hidden Side {So Stressed...}

Right now if you asked me what my status on life would be, this would be it: Physically and Emotionally Exhausted. I'm going through some tough times, and I'm having to deal with things that not many average teenagers go through. My emotions are flying in all different directions, and most of the time I just want to cry. Today so much pressure has been put on my shoulders, and I'm so stressed it is unbelievable. I haven't slept very much lately, and I'm so exhausted and just want to give up on life. I'm so stressed, and I don't see myself getting any sleep tonight. I have 2 huge tests tomorrow, and 1 quiz. They're all really important, and if I do bad I'm screwed. Like, goodbye life. I'm posting this right now, because my brain is already feeling fried from constant studying. There is so much pressure on me, and it's killing me inside. Aside from stress from school, there is so much more going on with me. I keep it all locked up. I've told a lot to one of my best friends, Gillian, but I still have things I haven't talked about. I know I should probably talk about it deep down inside, but I don't think I have the strength to yet. The problem is that I feel myself getting weaker. I try to keep myself going, but my smile that can make everything seem like I'm ok is starting to fade.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

I'm having one of those nights where I just cant sleep. There's just too much on my mind at the moment. Anyway, I wanted to make a mixed post full of different things that have been happening lately, and just some photos I've been taking while I'm bored.

 I have been practicing using manual a lot lately on my camera, and has actually been really fun. I took these photos of my pooches the other day. Molly's picture makes me sad. She's getting quite old, and it really hurts knowing that she wont be around much longer. I've been trying to give all my love to her whenever I get a chance.

 There have been some really gorgeous sunsets lately. I didn't really feel like editing this photo, but isn't the sunset gorgeous despite the slightly dry colors?!!

 Now that I look at this photo above I think what the freak, that looks disgusting. It really isn't. It's a recipe my mom got from Colombia. This dish is from my favorite Colombian restaurant, Crepes and Waffles. This restaurant was the only one I ever wanted to go to, and I would always choose the dish shown above. Of course it looked prettier at the restaurant, but homemade almost tastes the same, if not better.

 The other night I was chatting with my good friend since 6th grade, David. He just graduated basic training, so we got to chat for a little while. We are always messing with each other, but in the end we are like brother and sister. I miss him so much!

 I've been setting a lot of goals for myself lately. One is to try to do my very best to get in to my dream school, UC Davis. After going to COSMOS, the only college I really am dying to go to is Davis. That school is amazing.

 Here is a picture I took after getting home from a long day at school. I usually have quite a big load of homework to do, which ya know can be a little stressful at time, but I get through it.

 Here is one of my after school snacks. I have recently banned this food from my house along with a lot of other foods. I love it so much, and that's why I'm banning it. I've banned it along with candy and other foods I love. Don't ask me why I'm banning my favorite foods, I just am.

 Physics labs, like shown above, are a big part of my physics grade. My teacher expects perfection for these things. I don't think I've ever seen a perfect score on these buddy boys before. Luckily I got an A on my first one, so that was an encouraging way to start the class.

 I have been writing inspirational quotes on my water bottles lately. That way whenever I'm thirsty I'll at least read one of them. This one says: "Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect." by Demi Lovato.

 Liam had is 12th birthday!!!!! My baby brother has grown up on me! I'll be posting more about this later.

 My mom and I went to a quilt/plant show yesterday. It was super last minute, but I'm so glad I went. It was fun to take a break and go out with my mom for a while. Even though I was a little sick yesterday, I stuck through it and actually had quite a good time if you cant tell by the pictures above.

Almost all day I've been talking with one of my best friends, Gillian, who is currently at college on the other side of the country. I broke down today, and for the first time told someone all that I've been going through. It was tough opening up about this nonstop nightmarish roller coaster I've been on these past few weeks, and a lot of tears were shed. I'm lucky to have a friend like Gillian who is always by my side when I'm hurting. After reaching the bare bottom of the bucket today with her, I feel a little more relieved. I'm a person that doesn't like to talk about her problems, and would rather focus on the happy parts of life. She managed to help bring out the true me today. See, I put on a smile sometimes when I go to school, but when I come home I'm a mess. I'm learning to cope with that right now. I don't want to have to break down again as hard as I did today. It wasn't easy, and it hurt. When I have problems, I want to be able to talk about them now. It's going to take some time for me to get to that point, but that is a goal I've set for myself today.

I dont currently have a photo of this, but I have been singing a lot lately. It has become something I thoroughly enjoy. It has been hard these last few days to sing, because I've been having an on and off cold. Still, I have been having lots of fun recording. I might post one of my covers soon if I dont lazy off. I actually just made a video for my COSMOS friends with me covering one of our favorite songs, Clarity by Zedd (ft. Foxes.) So, despite that I was sick and it wasn't the best audio recording I've made, it came out pretty great for a first video.

Anyway, I'm going to go attempt to sleep now that I have to be up in 4 hours. Oh joy. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. My mind is still all over the place with thoughts.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

The Hidden Side {Stay Strong}

There was a time when I would write Stay Strong on my hand to help me fight through the rough times last year. I wrote it to remind myself that I'll get through it, everything will be all right, and not to cry. So, I never cried. I stayed like a rock, not budging, and did, well, what I thought staying strong meant. Little did I know that all those little things I gathered along the way began to hurt more and more. I wouldn't show emotion to it. I thought I was so strong, and thought that nothing would get to me. But, I was wrong. Everyone hurts sometimes, and sometimes a lot more than other times. Over time I grew afraid to cry. Staying strong was what I thought kept me going. Every time some type of obstacle was thrown at me, I'd take the hit, but not let my emotions take over. I would fight those tears by putting on a smile. That smile seemed to hide the real me, and the pain I felt inside. Nobody noticed. I guess my drama teacher was right about me being a pretty good actress. At the time I thought that nobody seeing my hurt was a good thing. When someone is hurt or confused or lonely or sick they usually cry, but I fought through it all. I fought through it, and I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with it ever. But I was wrong, because it kept gathering inside me, and I began to hurt more and more. I still stayed strong, because by this time where so much had gathered up in me I was too afraid to cry to feel anything. I never told anybody I was afraid to cry. It had been like that on and off for years, but this past year has definitely been the worst. I felt I had to stay strong for my friends, and stay strong so that no one could knock me down. I have fought through a lot over the past few years. I have gone through stuff I am actually not really willing to talk about yet, but let me tell you, I've been through a lot. Those two words, Stay Strong, got me through those rough days. I hid from my tears though. Eventually, I talked to one of my best friends, Gillian, and I confessed for the first time that I was afraid. The support she gave me was comforting. I saved her and my conversation on my phone, so now every time I need to hear those words I can look back and remember.

The other day I was listening to a variety of music, and came across a singer I used to listen to when I was younger, Demi Lovato. I got really in to her music, and started watching interviews with her. I noticed that she had tattoos saying Stay Strong on her wrists. When I saw that it made me want to hear more about her story. Little did I know, we have quite a lot in common. Some of the crap we have gone through is very similar. Her story is my story. I have gone through, and am currently going through a lot that she has gone through, and it is nice to know that I'm not completely alone. She has become and inspiration to me. I learned what was the meaning of Stay Strong in her eyes, and when I heard about it something changed me. I've decided to see Stay Strong in a slightly different perspective from now on. To me, Stay Strong is a reminder to myself that no matter what I'm going through I will get through it. And when I'm hurting or having my own problems, I am always reminded that no matter what everything will be all right in the end.

Now, I always write Stay Strong everyday in some place where I can see it as a reminder to myself. A reminder that everything will be all right, to never give up without a fight, that it's ok to cry, and to believe that one day I will look back and remember that I stayed strong..

Stay Strong<3

lovelovelove,
Melissa

My Hidden Side {Inspired}

I have decided to make a new section on my blog called My Hidden Side. It is a very personal section where I will be able to talk about personal and extremely important topics to me. I recentlyvgot this idea and I felt like this would be a good way for me to talk about things that maybe I've never talked about, and also help get me through the stresses of junior year. I wanted to start this new section with a topic that I've really been wanting to share. It's about two lovely ladies I've been given the chance to meet, and grow close to. They literally inspire me everyday, and because of them I am who I am today. They have helped me a lot, and I look up to them. They're two of my non-celebrity role models, and I love them dearly. Also, before I continue I would like to note that these two wonderful women have never met, but are equally as amazing.

Erika {AKA Erikawwww!}

Erika is an amazing woman. I haven't known her for too long, but it seems like every time we talk it's like we've known each other for a really long time. I met Erika at COSMOS this summer, so that shows how little of time I've known her. I think that the first time we started to grow closer was at a baseball game where we just sat on the grass, laughed, and had a good time. By the end of the summer Erika and I had grown a good friendship. I don't know why but for some odd reason I feel a connection with certain people, and know that I can trust them automatically with anything. She and I were talking two weeks ago, and when she asked if I was excited about starting school I gave her the honest truth that I was not and was actually really scared. I told her about a lot that happened last year, and that I was scared about how junior was going to turn out. I told her how I didnt want a repeat of the previous year. By the time I had said goodnight I was covered in tears. I was kind of shocked that I had responded that way, because we were just FB messaging. She got me crying really hard, but her words were so down to earth and I was able to feel them strongly in my heart. She is seriously one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. Her kind words touched my heart, and comforted me a bunch as I walked in to school on the first day.

Erika is an amazing girl! Just thought I'd say just to make sure you guys heard me the first time. She was one of the girls I grew closest to at UC Davis. The picture above is when we were in San Francisco messing around by trying to skateboard on this weird skateboard trailer thing. Anyway, I obviously love hanging out with her. On the last day of COSMOS I gave her a letter that said thank you for being the best big sister I ever had. I'm so lucky to have met a girl who can make me laugh so hard that it hurts, a girl who listens, a girl who'll always be there when I'm hurt, a girl who can make me cry for all the right reasons, and a girl that doesn't care if I accidentally fell asleep on her for about 3 hours. Haha! Erika has inspired me to not let anything stop me from reaching my goals, and to never give up. She is so inspiring in so many ways. I love you, Erika!

Gillian

Gillian is another brilliant woman. I've known her since freshman year, but I haven't gotten to really know her until a year ago. I texted her randomly one day, even though I barely knew her then, just because I needed some advice. I looked up to her all through freshman year, and felt like I could trust talking to her. Anyway, I was having a tough start of sophomore year feeling overloaded with homework. I, also, didn't have a mom to talk to then, and I felt like I was losing my friends, so I didn't really have anyone to talk to. She helped me a lot that September night, and I ended up writing her a letter saying thanks, and some of the hurt I had been going through. At our orchestra rehearsal, she came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I tried to fight back tears, but she just gave me a long hug... a hug that made me feel a sense of comfort and love that I had been missing. As time went on our relationship grew stronger, and I began to trust her with things that I didn't trust anyone else with. I went to her when I was hurt, lost, confused, or just needing a friend. And she was always there. She was even there at 1 in the morning listening to me while I was in pain, and wishing for an end. She was there by my side when she could see the pain in my eyes. And she was the one there to tell me everything will be all rights, and to shut my eyes for a little while.

Besides Gillian being an amazing woman and making me feel comforted when I needed a friend, she is so much fun to hang around with. I loved getting to drive to Oakland with her and Diane {even though Diane was practically a mute in the back seat since she felt super sick} to go to give the donations and cards to the Oakland Children's Hospital. Just getting to talk, and really be me was exciting. I got to try new things, and talk about topics that we happened to both like and find interesting. Also, even though Gillian graduated last June, she has still been here for me everyday by helping me prepare for the nerve racking auditions. I am so lucky to have become friends with Gillian. She is the one who makes me want to improve myself everyday in orchestra. I continue and work harder everyday in hope that one day I'll be as good as she is. She is such an inspiration to me. She has inspired me to want to help and inspire other girls just like she did for me. I love you, Gillian!

As you can tell, these two women are absolutely incredible. I strive to follow in their footsteps one day, and make them proud. These women make me so thankful to have two that I can be so open with, and can trust with anything. I love you girls! And thank you for being there for me.

<3

lovelovelove,

Melissa

Thankful, But Emotional

I recently grew quite close with one of my teachers. I wasn't even expecting it to happen the way it did. I was just talking to her about my grade when she asked me about something I wrote. She knew that at least when I had written it, I was really hurting. It's really hard for me to talk about my feeling and what's on my mind, but I just let go a little and told her. Before I could finish what I was saying some people walked into the room, and the conversation never got finished. I went home, and felt that things were left unclear. I went on the computer and wrote her a long email. I think that my emotions sort of overwhelmed and took over me. What I thought was going to be a short, to-the-point email ended up being a really emotional, heart-felted one. After I sent it, I kept hoping I would receive and email response right away, but I never did. When I got to her class she asked if she and I could talk after school. My anxiety started to kick in, and my heart started to race. I was really nervous, so I started to read some of things that people wrote in my yearbook. I came across my friend, Gillian's, and almost started crying. Her's was so down to earth, and personal. It really brought tears to my eyes. That distracted me for the time until school was completely over. After school, I went to her with butterflies in my stomach hoping she wasn't going to think I was crazy, or think that I had some SERIOUS problems or something. Luckily, I was wrong. She talked to me, and was able to connect with me for once. She and I talked for a while, but eventually I had to go meet some friends before they got worried. I was a little shaken up afterwards, because mainly I was really fighting back tears the whole time she and I were talking. {Gillian, if you are reading this right now I know what you are thinking and I'm sorry. I'm trying hard. :/} Also, some of the stuff we talked about were just really hard to bring back to the surface. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really thankful that she pulled me aside in the first place. I'm really thankful to be able to have talked about some of that stuff with an adult, and for her to be able to understand, connect, and give me advice on the matter. As nervous as I was today, I'm really glad that it happened.
Anyway, today was sort of tough knowing that the seniors are graduating tomorrow. I'm so sad that they're leaving. I grew so great relationships with them, and some of those relationships were so strong that thinking that the seniors are not going to be here with me next years makes me want to cry. Some of them were my best friends. Two in particular I will miss a lot. David who can always make me smile, and I can talk about some of those most awkward but hilarious things ever with. And Gillian who was always there to pick me up when I was down, and who became one of my bestest friends. I'll miss them all so much. Tomorrow will be an emotional day for me as I see them graduate without me, but I honestly couldnt be prouder of them. I'll miss you guys! :')
lovelovelove,
Melissa

I have a crazy life.

I find it crazy how my life can just change in a blink of an eye. I don't know, it's just crazy to me. Yesterday, I was looking through old diary entrees, letters, and text messages. It's crazy, because one moment everything was going perfect, and the next moment everything turned bad. This happened a few times this school year. I'm amazed that my emotions ranged from this super happy me to a very lost, hurting me. It's just.... just crazy.

There was a point when I was so happy, and I didnt think life could get any better. I was just so happy with everything. Receiving a special valentine and getting to go on a date with a special someone, going on trips with friends, getting accepted to the program of my dreams, and just having fun in general. I was relaxed and felt strong hope for my future. Those days were phenomenal. I felt on top of the world. Reading those old entrees made me smile, and giggle at my goofiness.

Then, a few entrees later something just hit me like a car crashing into a brick wall. I was lost, and I was silent. There were endless nightmares, continuous nights without sleep, stress affecting my body, times when I lost touch with God, a whirlwind of emotions, and so much more. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, stressed, helpless, sad, and scared. Through all this time, I kept to myself, and tried my best to not show those feelings. I feel like I was deceiving people with my smile, but really all I felt was hurt. I recently read those entrees about the times when I ate lunch alone, or my urge to be perfect, or my overall confusion about life and who I was. It's sad to see that I went through those things.

Although, I was very fortunate to have this random feeling inside me telling me to come out of my shell a little bit and ask someone for help. As many of you guys know, I'm a very shy person sometimes, so this was hard for me to accept. Eventually, I texted a new friend of mine this year, and asked her for some simple advice about how to deal with a certain situation that I didn't really know how to handle at the time. I had texted her earlier in the year too when I needed other help, but at that time we weren't as close. We talked for a while, and then all of a sudden something changed inside me. I started telling her that all she does means so much to me, and started telling her some things I had never told anyone in my entire life. I told her how it has recently been really hard for me to trust anybody, but then I told her one of my biggest secrets. She and I are the only ones on this planet who know. It took some great courage for me to tell her, but something about her made me have this deep feeling of trust. She made me promise her some things, and she helped by listening, giving advice, understanding what I was going through, and just simply being there. This conversation ended up being a really long one, but in the end I realized and learned some things. I learned it's ok to feel, it's ok to be scared, and that it's really ok to cry. I learned a lot from those long nights.

Photo Credits: Sugar Sweet Photography

Unfortunately, this wasnt the happy ending. The following days were still hard. I tried to remind myself about the things that she and I talked about, but sometimes it was just too hard. The following Friday, I was seriously at the point of wanting to just give up. I had practically no sleep for two whole weeks, I couldn't eat even if I tried, I was stressed beyond belief because of the tests I had that day, I continued to relive some of my past, and I was still confused, hurt, and emotionless. After my second test of that day, I was beyond upset. I didnt finish one of the tests, and my body and mind were breaking down. I still kept telling myself to stay strong, and that I dont have time to act. I went to the music room, and found a private room. I pulled out my history textbook, and tried to study. I was trying extremely hard to read the words, but the tears started blocking my vision. I tried to fight it, but before I knew it, I was shaking, and crying my eyes out. I felt defeated. I texted my friend again and told her that this day just kept getting worse and worse. The bell rang, and I pulled myself together. Many of my friends tried to make me smile, but at that point I was beyond the point of even trying to smile. Once school was out, my friend continued to checked up on me every few hours (probably because she thought I sounded suicidal,) and tried to comfort me in every way she could. I love her for that. Sometimes I just need that sense of comfort and protection.

I got better slowly, but surely. I was really hurting for a long time, and like I said earlier, it's crazy how my life changes in the blink of an eye. I now have a best friend who is always there for me... even when I'm falling to pieces, I pray everyday to not have to go through the pain that I did, I am always reminding myself of the promise I made, I'm learning, and I'm seeing the light again. The days are becoming brighter, and the summer is coming. The dark, gloomy nights are finally leaving. My smile has reappeared, and I'm really enjoying life now. I'm liking this new feeling, and I think it's here to stay.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Words of Inspiration

Hi everyone! I am in the mood right now to post some of my most recent, favorite quotes. I hope you guys enjoy them, because I know I do. Some are more personal than others, but I still love them all the same.

 

I hope these few words will inspire you. When I was posting these I thought of a particular friend, and I just want to say thank you. I have no clue if you will ever read this, but I want you to know that I am so thankful to have you in my life. Everyday you make me stronger. Your kind words, and your long, comforting hugs help me get through so much. You will always be in my heart. Even the day you go to college, remember this quote below.

Even the days that are the hardest, you still keep me strong. When I feel lost in this world, and don't know where to turn, you hold my hand and get me through it all. I don't know how I would live without you in my life. But I do know one thing for sure, that I am so grateful that you are. Thank you Gillian. I love you. :)

lovelovelove,

Melissa