I have a crazy life.

I find it crazy how my life can just change in a blink of an eye. I don't know, it's just crazy to me. Yesterday, I was looking through old diary entrees, letters, and text messages. It's crazy, because one moment everything was going perfect, and the next moment everything turned bad. This happened a few times this school year. I'm amazed that my emotions ranged from this super happy me to a very lost, hurting me. It's just.... just crazy.

There was a point when I was so happy, and I didnt think life could get any better. I was just so happy with everything. Receiving a special valentine and getting to go on a date with a special someone, going on trips with friends, getting accepted to the program of my dreams, and just having fun in general. I was relaxed and felt strong hope for my future. Those days were phenomenal. I felt on top of the world. Reading those old entrees made me smile, and giggle at my goofiness.

Then, a few entrees later something just hit me like a car crashing into a brick wall. I was lost, and I was silent. There were endless nightmares, continuous nights without sleep, stress affecting my body, times when I lost touch with God, a whirlwind of emotions, and so much more. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, stressed, helpless, sad, and scared. Through all this time, I kept to myself, and tried my best to not show those feelings. I feel like I was deceiving people with my smile, but really all I felt was hurt. I recently read those entrees about the times when I ate lunch alone, or my urge to be perfect, or my overall confusion about life and who I was. It's sad to see that I went through those things.

Although, I was very fortunate to have this random feeling inside me telling me to come out of my shell a little bit and ask someone for help. As many of you guys know, I'm a very shy person sometimes, so this was hard for me to accept. Eventually, I texted a new friend of mine this year, and asked her for some simple advice about how to deal with a certain situation that I didn't really know how to handle at the time. I had texted her earlier in the year too when I needed other help, but at that time we weren't as close. We talked for a while, and then all of a sudden something changed inside me. I started telling her that all she does means so much to me, and started telling her some things I had never told anyone in my entire life. I told her how it has recently been really hard for me to trust anybody, but then I told her one of my biggest secrets. She and I are the only ones on this planet who know. It took some great courage for me to tell her, but something about her made me have this deep feeling of trust. She made me promise her some things, and she helped by listening, giving advice, understanding what I was going through, and just simply being there. This conversation ended up being a really long one, but in the end I realized and learned some things. I learned it's ok to feel, it's ok to be scared, and that it's really ok to cry. I learned a lot from those long nights.

Photo Credits: Sugar Sweet Photography

Unfortunately, this wasnt the happy ending. The following days were still hard. I tried to remind myself about the things that she and I talked about, but sometimes it was just too hard. The following Friday, I was seriously at the point of wanting to just give up. I had practically no sleep for two whole weeks, I couldn't eat even if I tried, I was stressed beyond belief because of the tests I had that day, I continued to relive some of my past, and I was still confused, hurt, and emotionless. After my second test of that day, I was beyond upset. I didnt finish one of the tests, and my body and mind were breaking down. I still kept telling myself to stay strong, and that I dont have time to act. I went to the music room, and found a private room. I pulled out my history textbook, and tried to study. I was trying extremely hard to read the words, but the tears started blocking my vision. I tried to fight it, but before I knew it, I was shaking, and crying my eyes out. I felt defeated. I texted my friend again and told her that this day just kept getting worse and worse. The bell rang, and I pulled myself together. Many of my friends tried to make me smile, but at that point I was beyond the point of even trying to smile. Once school was out, my friend continued to checked up on me every few hours (probably because she thought I sounded suicidal,) and tried to comfort me in every way she could. I love her for that. Sometimes I just need that sense of comfort and protection.

I got better slowly, but surely. I was really hurting for a long time, and like I said earlier, it's crazy how my life changes in the blink of an eye. I now have a best friend who is always there for me... even when I'm falling to pieces, I pray everyday to not have to go through the pain that I did, I am always reminding myself of the promise I made, I'm learning, and I'm seeing the light again. The days are becoming brighter, and the summer is coming. The dark, gloomy nights are finally leaving. My smile has reappeared, and I'm really enjoying life now. I'm liking this new feeling, and I think it's here to stay.

lovelovelove,
Melissa