Hidden Side {Suicide}

Hi everyone. I don't think I've ever touched the subject of suicide and I feel that it needs to be talked about. Not later. Not next week. Not tomorrow. Right now.

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've ever lived through. One of my closest friends texted me, asking me not to be mad. I didn't understand at first and asked why. She replied that she had overdosed. Everything in me started to shut down. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control the tears falling from eyes. One of my best friends had just overdosed and I couldn't be there to save her. I tried to convince her to make herself throw up to get them out and to tell someone. She refused. She didn't want to be alive anymore and I couldn't even stop what she had done. Honestly, this is the worst part about long distance. Having her on the east coast and me over here is so scary, especially when things like this happen. I continued talking with her, trying to convince her to tell someone. She was starting to get nauseous. Then she told me she was scared. She realized she didn't want to die. I called the campus police at her school and told them where she was and what was happening. They hung up and I never heard back. I didn't know what happened. She stopped texting and no one called to tell me what happened. I stayed up all night praying, crying, shaking, hoping. She finally texted me saying that she was okay and thank you for saving her life.

Suicide is honestly one of the scariest things ever. If I hadn't decided to text her, I might have never heard her beautiful voice or seen her beautiful smile again. That thought has me shaking like crazy right now.

Please, if any one of you is considering suicide or needs help, come talk to me. Please. I am here for you. Suicide isn't worth it. My friend didn't even die and I have not stopped shaking since that first text. Please know that you are loved. SO LOVED. I love you so freaking much. I may or may not even know you, but I love you. And your family, pets, friends, acquaintances, strangers would miss you so much. Please. You are not worthless. Life DOES get better. It may seem foggy now, but just like everything else, this will, too, pass. Please stay strong. Not just for me and those who love you, but for yourself. I love you.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Hidden Side {Body Confidence}

In the last month or two there has been a lot of negativity in my life. There have been people that haven't been too nice... Girls who are shoving me, stepping on my ankles, and calling me foul names in the hallways is just the tip of the iceberg. It's kind of unfortunate that I'm used to that kind of stuff though. Middle school was the same way. I have always seemed to be an easy target. Very few friends have actually cared either, which granted, makes things more difficult.

Unfortunately, I can't say that's all the negativity in my life. I've been sick for years fighting self hatred and body image problems. At a young age of 12 I started to think I was fat. I hated my body. I never liked to go swimming, because I never thought I was pretty or skinny enough to be in a bathing suit. In the last year or so, my body confidence has dropped significantly. It has affected me in many ways. Everyday became a struggle. My voice inside my head telling myself I wasn't good enough was stronger and worse than the voices outside...

But...

I'm not here to write a sob story. I could go on and on, but I'm pretty sure you would get bored of my seemingly never-ending novel of sadness. I want this to be focused on the accomplishments I've gained despite the issues I have been dealing with. I have made many little ones, but most of them are not special unless you're me or they're just simply to personal for me to share.

So, anyway...

I've been really working hard on accepting myself for who I am... that includes my mistakes, flaws, numbers, health, everything. I'm happy to say that I've been having more days that I wake up feeling confident and happy with who I am.

I don't have much really to say about that now that I think about it, but I just felt like sharing that little accomplishment. I'm just happy that I'm moving in a better direction. Yes, I do still have bad days... today, for example. But it gives me hope for the future. It gives me hope that some day I will be able to say I am 100% happy with who I am, everyday, no matter what.

Kisses<3

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Little Do You Know

So, it is about 1:30 in the morning right now. I really can't sleep, so I have chosen to blog instead. I wanted to share a song that I found early today with you guys. The first time I played it I was working on college apps and talking with a close friend of mine. When the music started though, everything I was doing stopped. The first few lines moved me like not many songs can. I hope you guys enjoy it as much I do!

"Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra

lovelovelove,

Melissa

"If you think you're alone, put on my music, because I'm gonna be there for you." -Demi Lovato

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Take me away.

I just want someone to take me away right now. I want to go camping in a quiet place for a while. Somewhere with a beach or lake that can be seen straight from the tent. I want a friend with me who doesn't mind being quiet at times. Someone who will sit and read books with me during the day, and snuggle to keep warm with me at night. I want to be able to look up at the sky, and see all the sparkling stars. There will be a little fire so we can roast marshmallows. Our phones will be somewhere locked away in my car. Just us, and the peace and calm of the world. And maybe through all of this peace, I will be able to find myself again. Maybe I'll be able to let everything go, and shed my last tear. I want so much to escape from this world. All of this pain. I want it to end. I want to be able to breathe for once. Even if it's just for a little while.


Peace. Camping. Stars. Quiet. Friend. Books. Relief. Marshmallows. No stress. Breathe.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Hidden Side {Scared}

I'm really scared right now. I got woken up by my dad at about midnight, because my mom needed to be rushed the hospital. It's so scary to see her like that. I just want her to be okay. I'm freaking out inside. The most horrible thoughts are running through my head. I keep trying to block them from my head by using distractions. I just watched the most recent The Fosters episode, and that just made things worse. God, I can't sleep. How did my supposedly "Happy" Valentines Day turn in to this? Why did this have to happen? Is she going to be all right? Just an hour before I was watching funny tv shows with my mom, and now she's in the hospital. How did this all happen within an hour? I fall asleep for one hour, and this happens? I just want a hug right now. I want to cry. I already have to deal with so much, and this is just making it all worse. I want someone to be here with me right now. I'm so alone at 3 in the morning with my mind wandering in to dark places, and my anxiety getting worse as the clock ticks by. I need someone here to sit on this couch with me, and to tell me every thing will be all right.
If anyone is reading this, please pray for my mommy. Thank you.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

"Human"

I like to listen to music. Like all the time. Recently I have been more in to music that I can relate to, instead of just to have fun and dance to. Something about having that emotional connection with a song can be really empowering. I found this song the other day on tumblr, and I literally have not stopped listening to it. Something about songs like this I am just really attracted to. I will have to make a playlist one day for you all. It's kind of my "sad" song playlist, but I don't know, I like it.
Anyway, I'm obviously getting a little off topic. This song is called "Human" by Christina Perri. I'm sure you guys may have heard the song on the radio or something. I hadn't heard it, but my mom has, so it must be played on the radio at least a little bit. I hope you guys like it:)

I just really love the video. It's gorgeous, and Christina is obviously one of the most gorgeous women ever. When I first watched the video, it moved me in a way that no other video has done before. I truly love it. The song, the video, the singer... all amazing.
lovelovelove,
Melissa