School Blues

I went to orientation today for school, and it just felt wrong. I feel like school just ended, and it sucks knowing I have to go back so soon. I, also, found out that I have English III Honors with Ms. Aiello. The only reason Im bummed about that is that I never was sent a reading letter for summer homework for her class. Now Im having to rush to find these books, and read them as quickly as possible. This is not how I want to spend my last week of summer. Dont get me wrong, I love reading. It's one of my biggest pleasures, but having to rush to read 4 books in the last week of summer sucks big time. So far I only have one book. Yay. Not only do I have to read 4 probably not exciting book, I also have to find them. Cant you sense my enthusiasm about all of this?
I, also, finally got a top locker! I'm so stoked and it seems to be in a great place. The only problem is that when Paola (My locker partner for the 3rd year in a row) and I went to check out the locker's inside, it wouldn't open. The lock refused. I thought Well, maybe they just gave us the wrong locker number. So, Paola and I started checking all the others surrounding ours. It happens that the one next to us has our combo. We opened it up to a locker filled with books. So, obviously that is someone else's locker. So, now Paola and I don't have a locker to put our stuff in. It's just a little aggravating knowing that we will have to take a load of books back to school on the first day.
Another thing that Im bummed about is that Im no longer at UC Davis. Let me tell you, college is so much more awesome that high school. Yea, I know was there for a month, but seriously that's all it takes. Im going to miss that awesome campus, those super interesting classes, and the extremely nice people. UC Davis is like my home away from home. I love it so much. I cant wait to go back.
Unfortunately, last year was a tough year at high school, and I think it scares me a little that Im going back. I don't want to have to feel some of the same things I did before. It was stressful, and there were some times when I would stress so much that I'd get sick. I was lucky to have 2 friends that helped me get through it, but now one will be gone at college. I stressed myself too much, and sometimes my grades weren't always the best they could be. Though, Im planning to change that this year. After COSMOS, I grew a whole new perspective of what Im wanting to do with my future. I made goals that make me want to try harder, do things I always rolled my eyes at when people would bring it up, and really strive to aim higher that ever before.
So, even though some parts of school aren't going the best they could, I am keeping a positive attitude about it all. This summer, I met some people that I look up to as my role models, and they have really inspired me. I hope to follow in their paths, and become as great as they are.
Anyway, this is a new beginning for me. I'm planning on walking in to school next Wednesday with a new and clearer view of everything. I know everything will be better. I have real goals, a refreshed mind, and a body ready to concur these last two years of high school. Wish me luck!

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Quote {The Worst Feeling}

I was on Pinterest the other day and I ran across this quote. Usually quotes that I pin are short, simple, and once in a while I find one that I can really relate to. This one was different. It describes my past and sometimes a little of my present. When I started reading it, I realized that this was what I felt inside me that I just couldn't find the words to. It describes my past so perfectly that it fits like a piece in a jumbo puzzle. That horrible feeling that this quote describes often brought me down, and made some things difficult to deal with. It was confusing, hurtful, and indescribable. I often just kept it to myself, because I never really knew how to say it or if I even wanted to say it. I've learned over the past year that hiding those things really doesn't help get rid of it. At all. Anyway, I thought I would post this, because someone has asked me about this topic and how I felt. Well, I finally found something that helps put those feelings in to words.
Anywhooo... I hope you all are having a good summer! I plan on posting photos of my incredible COSMOS experience soon!
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Thankful, But Emotional

I recently grew quite close with one of my teachers. I wasn't even expecting it to happen the way it did. I was just talking to her about my grade when she asked me about something I wrote. She knew that at least when I had written it, I was really hurting. It's really hard for me to talk about my feeling and what's on my mind, but I just let go a little and told her. Before I could finish what I was saying some people walked into the room, and the conversation never got finished. I went home, and felt that things were left unclear. I went on the computer and wrote her a long email. I think that my emotions sort of overwhelmed and took over me. What I thought was going to be a short, to-the-point email ended up being a really emotional, heart-felted one. After I sent it, I kept hoping I would receive and email response right away, but I never did. When I got to her class she asked if she and I could talk after school. My anxiety started to kick in, and my heart started to race. I was really nervous, so I started to read some of things that people wrote in my yearbook. I came across my friend, Gillian's, and almost started crying. Her's was so down to earth, and personal. It really brought tears to my eyes. That distracted me for the time until school was completely over. After school, I went to her with butterflies in my stomach hoping she wasn't going to think I was crazy, or think that I had some SERIOUS problems or something. Luckily, I was wrong. She talked to me, and was able to connect with me for once. She and I talked for a while, but eventually I had to go meet some friends before they got worried. I was a little shaken up afterwards, because mainly I was really fighting back tears the whole time she and I were talking. {Gillian, if you are reading this right now I know what you are thinking and I'm sorry. I'm trying hard. :/} Also, some of the stuff we talked about were just really hard to bring back to the surface. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really thankful that she pulled me aside in the first place. I'm really thankful to be able to have talked about some of that stuff with an adult, and for her to be able to understand, connect, and give me advice on the matter. As nervous as I was today, I'm really glad that it happened.
Anyway, today was sort of tough knowing that the seniors are graduating tomorrow. I'm so sad that they're leaving. I grew so great relationships with them, and some of those relationships were so strong that thinking that the seniors are not going to be here with me next years makes me want to cry. Some of them were my best friends. Two in particular I will miss a lot. David who can always make me smile, and I can talk about some of those most awkward but hilarious things ever with. And Gillian who was always there to pick me up when I was down, and who became one of my bestest friends. I'll miss them all so much. Tomorrow will be an emotional day for me as I see them graduate without me, but I honestly couldnt be prouder of them. I'll miss you guys! :')
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Blogging At Work

It always seems that I blog at my mom's work. It's quite interesting. I think because it seems entertaining to me. Right now I'm sitting on this really comfortable chair that they recently got right now. I'm also listening to a variety of cute songs! Now that I think about it, I'm doing a lot right now! I'm planning my sweet sixteen, and actually doing some projects for it right now. I can say what they are though, because they're a surprise. ;) I did the majority of my homework on friday, so I dont have too much to stress about tonight. Oh yea! I went to see my high school's musical, Grease, on friday! It was really good! I loved it and seriously wanted to jump on the stage with Sandy, Danny, and the whole crew. It was so much fun! It was even more fun getting to be with Diane and Xenabelle. They really made it a blast! All our joking around during the intermission and afterwards was really great. :))
Well, I'm going to go continue with this project! Maybe I'll post later!!!
lovelovelove,
Melissa

I have a crazy life.

I find it crazy how my life can just change in a blink of an eye. I don't know, it's just crazy to me. Yesterday, I was looking through old diary entrees, letters, and text messages. It's crazy, because one moment everything was going perfect, and the next moment everything turned bad. This happened a few times this school year. I'm amazed that my emotions ranged from this super happy me to a very lost, hurting me. It's just.... just crazy.

There was a point when I was so happy, and I didnt think life could get any better. I was just so happy with everything. Receiving a special valentine and getting to go on a date with a special someone, going on trips with friends, getting accepted to the program of my dreams, and just having fun in general. I was relaxed and felt strong hope for my future. Those days were phenomenal. I felt on top of the world. Reading those old entrees made me smile, and giggle at my goofiness.

Then, a few entrees later something just hit me like a car crashing into a brick wall. I was lost, and I was silent. There were endless nightmares, continuous nights without sleep, stress affecting my body, times when I lost touch with God, a whirlwind of emotions, and so much more. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, stressed, helpless, sad, and scared. Through all this time, I kept to myself, and tried my best to not show those feelings. I feel like I was deceiving people with my smile, but really all I felt was hurt. I recently read those entrees about the times when I ate lunch alone, or my urge to be perfect, or my overall confusion about life and who I was. It's sad to see that I went through those things.

Although, I was very fortunate to have this random feeling inside me telling me to come out of my shell a little bit and ask someone for help. As many of you guys know, I'm a very shy person sometimes, so this was hard for me to accept. Eventually, I texted a new friend of mine this year, and asked her for some simple advice about how to deal with a certain situation that I didn't really know how to handle at the time. I had texted her earlier in the year too when I needed other help, but at that time we weren't as close. We talked for a while, and then all of a sudden something changed inside me. I started telling her that all she does means so much to me, and started telling her some things I had never told anyone in my entire life. I told her how it has recently been really hard for me to trust anybody, but then I told her one of my biggest secrets. She and I are the only ones on this planet who know. It took some great courage for me to tell her, but something about her made me have this deep feeling of trust. She made me promise her some things, and she helped by listening, giving advice, understanding what I was going through, and just simply being there. This conversation ended up being a really long one, but in the end I realized and learned some things. I learned it's ok to feel, it's ok to be scared, and that it's really ok to cry. I learned a lot from those long nights.

Photo Credits: Sugar Sweet Photography

Unfortunately, this wasnt the happy ending. The following days were still hard. I tried to remind myself about the things that she and I talked about, but sometimes it was just too hard. The following Friday, I was seriously at the point of wanting to just give up. I had practically no sleep for two whole weeks, I couldn't eat even if I tried, I was stressed beyond belief because of the tests I had that day, I continued to relive some of my past, and I was still confused, hurt, and emotionless. After my second test of that day, I was beyond upset. I didnt finish one of the tests, and my body and mind were breaking down. I still kept telling myself to stay strong, and that I dont have time to act. I went to the music room, and found a private room. I pulled out my history textbook, and tried to study. I was trying extremely hard to read the words, but the tears started blocking my vision. I tried to fight it, but before I knew it, I was shaking, and crying my eyes out. I felt defeated. I texted my friend again and told her that this day just kept getting worse and worse. The bell rang, and I pulled myself together. Many of my friends tried to make me smile, but at that point I was beyond the point of even trying to smile. Once school was out, my friend continued to checked up on me every few hours (probably because she thought I sounded suicidal,) and tried to comfort me in every way she could. I love her for that. Sometimes I just need that sense of comfort and protection.

I got better slowly, but surely. I was really hurting for a long time, and like I said earlier, it's crazy how my life changes in the blink of an eye. I now have a best friend who is always there for me... even when I'm falling to pieces, I pray everyday to not have to go through the pain that I did, I am always reminding myself of the promise I made, I'm learning, and I'm seeing the light again. The days are becoming brighter, and the summer is coming. The dark, gloomy nights are finally leaving. My smile has reappeared, and I'm really enjoying life now. I'm liking this new feeling, and I think it's here to stay.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Drama

Why do people need to make things bigger than they already are? I just dont understand. Throughout my life, I have been a no drama kind of girl. I never had to deal with it to much before. Now, it just keeps spilling in to my life in all directions. It is almost like a disease. Once it has started, there is no turning back. Some people I know are the ones who make the drama, others are the ones who are naturally dramatic. Those naturally dramatic people seem to not even realize that they bring drama every where they go. I truly don't understand. All this drama breaks friendships, annoys people, and sometimes hurts ones feelings. Drama to me can be from anything small, such as writing something on Facebook just to get a response, to something large, such as spreading rumors. There is so much drama in this world, and I don't know why people like to enhance it and make it so much more difficult. Even when I was in 3rd grade, there was drama, and I didn't understand why. So, I would go home and ask my mom why people are like this. She came up with quite a few reasons. Some of them were, that they are trying to make you feel how they are feeling, they are trying to put you down, or just the plain fact of getting peoples attention. This may just be me blabbering about nonsense to you, but to me this is something. I would like to know what you guys think. It is totally up to you to  make your self anonymous or not. That is your decision. But I just really want to know if I am the only one out here that feels like this. or if you guys agree with everything I am saying.
I love this quote, and I agree with everything it says:

lovelovelove,
Melissa