Hey everyone. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much I would like to. And sorry that most of the posts I've done lately have been darker than usual (except for the last one.) I've kind of been stuck in the dark lately, and it's been impacting multiple parts of my life, including my blog.
These last few days have been really rough for me. It seems like most days are like this, but that there are patches of good days every once in a while. I honestly feel like my life is just crumbling away right now. It's truly horrible putting on a smile and pretending like it's all okay with my friends and family, and then when I'm alone I'm the complete opposite. I feel so much hurt inside right now though. It like hurts to breathe sometimes, and it hurts to eat. There have been a few times where I have started gagging while trying to eat. I literally am forcing myself to eat these days. And as I sit here in the darkness of my bedroom, I feel the inside of my chest aching. It's not like a heart burn or stomach ache type of ache. It's different. It's like, uncomfortable. It's the feeling of emptiness. Days like today I just feel so empty inside. I feel no hope or enthusiasm or care or motivation. I'm just empty. I've been sitting here for hours today doing absolutely nothing. Just sitting. I'm stressed beyond belief about a physics lab due tomorrow, but I still haven't touched it. I just cant find the power to pull myself out of this darkness and get to work. I'm just so distracted. Days like today I often just zone off. I sit at brunch surrounded by friends, yet I sit there blankly. I get up early to take a shower, and find myself sitting on the bottom of the tub under the hot water, in the dark. I don't understand myself anymore. I hate feeling so lost, and empty inside. The only thing that's been keeping me semi-lively, and that I've been looking forward to is seeing Gillian again. She returning is the only thought that has been keeping me going everyday in school. I need her hugs, and love right now. I have the strongest feeling that I'm just going to fall apart in her arms when I see her. I miss her so much, and she's been there for me more than anyone. Even when she's across the country at college, she still is there listening and being there for me. Anyway, I just really want this week to end. I am so done right now. I just want to be able to sleep with no school worries on my mind. It will be one less thing to stress about. I've been reminding myself to stay strong, so that I can get through the rest of this week. Then there will be thanksgiving break. Thank God.
lovelovelove,
Melissa
P.S. If any of you readers go to my school, please come talk to me. I honestly don't care who you are, or what we even talk about. I just need someone to talk to sometimes. It helps keep me going, and can sometimes make things a little less lonely.
P.S.S. I really hope I don't regret posting this. I always get so nervous when I post such serious, and personal things.
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