Picnic

I am getting ready to go on a little picnic for one right now. I am downloading some music on to my laptop, grabbing some paper and pencils, and making a little lunch. I am then going to ride my bike down to the park by my house, and have my own little mini picnic.

I decided to do this, because I realized that I don't give myself any time to be free anymore. I get so lost in all the bad, and forget that I need love myself a little. I am always trying to help and fix others, but I never give myself any time to really let go. I get so caught up in stress, and all the problems I've been having lately, so this is my way of taking a break and breathing for once. I don't really know what I am going to do at this picnic. A part of me wants someone to come sit with me, and another part wants to just sit there alone. I've been told I shouldn't be alone all the time, but I don't know. So yea, hopefully something good will come out of this. Love you all!

lovelovelove,
Melissa

P.S. If anyone reading this that knows me wants to come join me, I'd enjoy the company this afternoon. I'll be at the park near my house. If you don't know me, well you can be there in spirit. xoxo.

Dream with Jules Callaghan

I have gotten used to having nightmares most nights. It's just the way things are. I can't thoroughly wrap my mind around why, but that is just the way it is. When I'm not having nightmares, I'm not dreaming at all pretty much. But it was different last night, and I wouldn't take it back for anything. So, this morning my alarm went off for my early morning run, but I turned it off without thinking and fell back asleep. Whoops... Well, maybe it's not completely a whoops, because when I fell back asleep I had an amazing dream.
Most people would probably consider my dream more of a nightmare, but the fact that Jules Callaghan, my favorite character from the TV show Flashpoint, was in it made my life. I have always wished that one day I'd get to meet the actual character {even though that isn't really realistic,} but in my dream I actually got to. That right there made the whole nightmare one of my favorite dreams ever. For those who don't know who Jules Callaghan is, here is a picture of her and my favorite quote of hers from season 1, episode 6. This picture is my desktop background right now, hahaha. But seriously, I love her. She is so inspiring, and she truly is an incredible woman.

Anyway, back to the dream. I only remember certain excerpts of the dream, so bare with me when I start jumping around. I remember that the SRU, Strategical Response Unit, was having a practice lock down type thing. It was kind of like they were practicing for a real emergency/gun threat type thing in the middle of the city at night. Everyone in the surrounding buildings were forced to leave their buildings and go to this one area. I happened to be in ballet when this happened. So, I was just in a black leo, tights, sneakers, and a jacket. Luckily I had a jacket, because it was really cold. Things started to get really scary when I got left alone in all this commotion. To make things worse, there was actually a bad guy there and he had a gun, and it then turned into an actual high-risk case. I'm surprised I didn't wake up at this point, because it was quite terrifying with everyone running in all different directions plus there was a shooter on the loose. I just freaked out not knowing what to do, and after that it goes black. I don't know what happened to me during this time. I just can't remember, but I do remember that the shooter was eventually put in custody and that everything was safe again. Somehow the scene changed to being in my neighborhood. There was still a lot of cop stuff being done down the street, but Jules happened to be walking me home. The weird part is that I was bawling, just flat out bawling in her arms. She helped me walk up to my doorstep where at that point I was a complete mess. I don't think I've ever cried that much. She just held me in her arms and let me cry until I couldn't any longer. Then she said that I was going to be okay, that she's here for me, and something very similar to the quote above. We said goodbye for now, and then I went inside. That was the end of the dream.
It's kind of weird that I consider that one of my favorite dreams, but really the main reason that it's my favorite dream is because I got to meet Jules, who happens to be my all time idol. So, yea, it was slightly terrifying, but meeting Jules made up for it all.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Gold

Hey guys! So, I just wanted to share a music video that I absolutely adore. This song and video have really helped me get through my hard days, and I just love it. It pretty much says that no matter who you are and what you've been through that you're worth it. That you're worth more than gold. I ran across this singer during winter break, and she automatically became one of my favorite singers. Her name is Britt Nicole, and I just really love the way she is and what she does. I can connect to so many of her songs, and it is truly comforting to have her words to listen to during tough times. I shared one of her songs last post, and that one really gets to me. I can really relate to it. It was the first song I heard of hers, and right away I knew I love it. I hope you love this song/video as much I do.

Love you guys! And remember, you're worth more than gold! xoxo
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Hidden Side {Starting to Let it Go}

All those thoughts. Well, most of them. Yea, the ones that haunt me at night. The ones I finally decided to put on paper. Yea, those. Today, I gave them away. Like she said, sometimes we have to take off some of the weight to take a step forward to something better. The horrible thoughts and feelings. I just gave them to her. I put that little crumpled note in her hand, and right at that moment knew there was no turning back. She tried to get me to read it for her, but I just couldn't. My voice would shake and I knew I wouldn't be able to manage saying those words aloud. So, she read them for me. Hearing my thoughts aloud made me hurt inside. They were my words never spoken of. The things no one knows. My secrets. I'm still in shock that I stepped so far out of my comfort zone. I broke the smile I've been hiding behind, and let some of my true colors show. Slowly she's stripping away my walls and finding that hurting person within them. I feel so naked without them. But I have hope everything will be alright in the end. I also am realizing that I'm not alone and that I can trust again. Yea, I was scared of being hurt all over again, but right now, I am learning to trust in her and myself. Like she said, it takes courage to do what I did, but that it is one step closer.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Quote {Relatable Quote}

I've been on pinterest a lot lately, and I am constantly finding these quotes that are so true and I feel that I can relate to them in many ways. It's actually pretty sad that I can relate to them, but I can. This morning I woke up, and went on pinterest. I found this quote, and for some reason this one sticks out among the rest.

 lovelovelove,

Melissa

 

Bullying

 

Hey everyone! Today was a really important day for me. I finally had alone time to speak with my brother on the topic of bullying. It is a subject I take very seriously. Middle School is generally where bullying begins {although, it does happen a lot before then too.} Since my brother is now in middle school I've really been wanting to bring up this subject with him. It was really great to be able to tell him about bullying and the seriousness behind it, and for him to actually be really engaged in the conversation. I told him about the bullying that I've been forced to fight through. He never knew about it, so it was kind of a big deal for both of us. I told him about the different kinds of bullying, like cyber bullying, physical bullying, and verbal abuse. I, also, told him how it is more common among girls to be verbally abused like myself, but it does also happen a lot to boys. Although, physical bullying, such as beating some one up, tends to be more common amongst males. He was very interested, and asked many questions. My biggest goal of this conversation for me was to be able to let him know that if he is ever bullied that he should speak up. He doesn't have to tell me, but as long as he speaks out and tells someone is all that matters. Bullying should never be kept a secret. I made that mistake, and I don't want others to have to feel what I felt and still continue to feel. The words that were said, and the teasing that was done just in middle school still sticks with me everyday. It's very important to speak up, because well, if you don't say anything, you will never be heard. And as long as you continue to stay quiet, the bullying will continue as well. If you speak up, something will be done about the bullying, and just by you speaking up, you could not only be saving yourself but a future target.
If any of you readers are being bullied, or you know someone that is being bullied you can email me, or contact me in some way. Please, please do. No one deserves to have to go through it. If you ever need someone to talk to, or just need some way to get help please contact me. You do not need to fight through this alone. I'm here for you guys no matter what I am going through, so please keep that in mind. And if any of you have any younger sibling, I ask you to please talk to them about bullying. When being bullied you can feel very alone, and just letting your little brother or sister know that you're there will go very far. I promise you that.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Hidden Side {So Stressed...}

Right now if you asked me what my status on life would be, this would be it: Physically and Emotionally Exhausted. I'm going through some tough times, and I'm having to deal with things that not many average teenagers go through. My emotions are flying in all different directions, and most of the time I just want to cry. Today so much pressure has been put on my shoulders, and I'm so stressed it is unbelievable. I haven't slept very much lately, and I'm so exhausted and just want to give up on life. I'm so stressed, and I don't see myself getting any sleep tonight. I have 2 huge tests tomorrow, and 1 quiz. They're all really important, and if I do bad I'm screwed. Like, goodbye life. I'm posting this right now, because my brain is already feeling fried from constant studying. There is so much pressure on me, and it's killing me inside. Aside from stress from school, there is so much more going on with me. I keep it all locked up. I've told a lot to one of my best friends, Gillian, but I still have things I haven't talked about. I know I should probably talk about it deep down inside, but I don't think I have the strength to yet. The problem is that I feel myself getting weaker. I try to keep myself going, but my smile that can make everything seem like I'm ok is starting to fade.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

I'm having one of those nights where I just cant sleep. There's just too much on my mind at the moment. Anyway, I wanted to make a mixed post full of different things that have been happening lately, and just some photos I've been taking while I'm bored.

 I have been practicing using manual a lot lately on my camera, and has actually been really fun. I took these photos of my pooches the other day. Molly's picture makes me sad. She's getting quite old, and it really hurts knowing that she wont be around much longer. I've been trying to give all my love to her whenever I get a chance.

 There have been some really gorgeous sunsets lately. I didn't really feel like editing this photo, but isn't the sunset gorgeous despite the slightly dry colors?!!

 Now that I look at this photo above I think what the freak, that looks disgusting. It really isn't. It's a recipe my mom got from Colombia. This dish is from my favorite Colombian restaurant, Crepes and Waffles. This restaurant was the only one I ever wanted to go to, and I would always choose the dish shown above. Of course it looked prettier at the restaurant, but homemade almost tastes the same, if not better.

 The other night I was chatting with my good friend since 6th grade, David. He just graduated basic training, so we got to chat for a little while. We are always messing with each other, but in the end we are like brother and sister. I miss him so much!

 I've been setting a lot of goals for myself lately. One is to try to do my very best to get in to my dream school, UC Davis. After going to COSMOS, the only college I really am dying to go to is Davis. That school is amazing.

 Here is a picture I took after getting home from a long day at school. I usually have quite a big load of homework to do, which ya know can be a little stressful at time, but I get through it.

 Here is one of my after school snacks. I have recently banned this food from my house along with a lot of other foods. I love it so much, and that's why I'm banning it. I've banned it along with candy and other foods I love. Don't ask me why I'm banning my favorite foods, I just am.

 Physics labs, like shown above, are a big part of my physics grade. My teacher expects perfection for these things. I don't think I've ever seen a perfect score on these buddy boys before. Luckily I got an A on my first one, so that was an encouraging way to start the class.

 I have been writing inspirational quotes on my water bottles lately. That way whenever I'm thirsty I'll at least read one of them. This one says: "Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect." by Demi Lovato.

 Liam had is 12th birthday!!!!! My baby brother has grown up on me! I'll be posting more about this later.

 My mom and I went to a quilt/plant show yesterday. It was super last minute, but I'm so glad I went. It was fun to take a break and go out with my mom for a while. Even though I was a little sick yesterday, I stuck through it and actually had quite a good time if you cant tell by the pictures above.

Almost all day I've been talking with one of my best friends, Gillian, who is currently at college on the other side of the country. I broke down today, and for the first time told someone all that I've been going through. It was tough opening up about this nonstop nightmarish roller coaster I've been on these past few weeks, and a lot of tears were shed. I'm lucky to have a friend like Gillian who is always by my side when I'm hurting. After reaching the bare bottom of the bucket today with her, I feel a little more relieved. I'm a person that doesn't like to talk about her problems, and would rather focus on the happy parts of life. She managed to help bring out the true me today. See, I put on a smile sometimes when I go to school, but when I come home I'm a mess. I'm learning to cope with that right now. I don't want to have to break down again as hard as I did today. It wasn't easy, and it hurt. When I have problems, I want to be able to talk about them now. It's going to take some time for me to get to that point, but that is a goal I've set for myself today.

I dont currently have a photo of this, but I have been singing a lot lately. It has become something I thoroughly enjoy. It has been hard these last few days to sing, because I've been having an on and off cold. Still, I have been having lots of fun recording. I might post one of my covers soon if I dont lazy off. I actually just made a video for my COSMOS friends with me covering one of our favorite songs, Clarity by Zedd (ft. Foxes.) So, despite that I was sick and it wasn't the best audio recording I've made, it came out pretty great for a first video.

Anyway, I'm going to go attempt to sleep now that I have to be up in 4 hours. Oh joy. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. My mind is still all over the place with thoughts.
lovelovelove,
Melissa

The Hidden Side {Stay Strong}

There was a time when I would write Stay Strong on my hand to help me fight through the rough times last year. I wrote it to remind myself that I'll get through it, everything will be all right, and not to cry. So, I never cried. I stayed like a rock, not budging, and did, well, what I thought staying strong meant. Little did I know that all those little things I gathered along the way began to hurt more and more. I wouldn't show emotion to it. I thought I was so strong, and thought that nothing would get to me. But, I was wrong. Everyone hurts sometimes, and sometimes a lot more than other times. Over time I grew afraid to cry. Staying strong was what I thought kept me going. Every time some type of obstacle was thrown at me, I'd take the hit, but not let my emotions take over. I would fight those tears by putting on a smile. That smile seemed to hide the real me, and the pain I felt inside. Nobody noticed. I guess my drama teacher was right about me being a pretty good actress. At the time I thought that nobody seeing my hurt was a good thing. When someone is hurt or confused or lonely or sick they usually cry, but I fought through it all. I fought through it, and I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with it ever. But I was wrong, because it kept gathering inside me, and I began to hurt more and more. I still stayed strong, because by this time where so much had gathered up in me I was too afraid to cry to feel anything. I never told anybody I was afraid to cry. It had been like that on and off for years, but this past year has definitely been the worst. I felt I had to stay strong for my friends, and stay strong so that no one could knock me down. I have fought through a lot over the past few years. I have gone through stuff I am actually not really willing to talk about yet, but let me tell you, I've been through a lot. Those two words, Stay Strong, got me through those rough days. I hid from my tears though. Eventually, I talked to one of my best friends, Gillian, and I confessed for the first time that I was afraid. The support she gave me was comforting. I saved her and my conversation on my phone, so now every time I need to hear those words I can look back and remember.

The other day I was listening to a variety of music, and came across a singer I used to listen to when I was younger, Demi Lovato. I got really in to her music, and started watching interviews with her. I noticed that she had tattoos saying Stay Strong on her wrists. When I saw that it made me want to hear more about her story. Little did I know, we have quite a lot in common. Some of the crap we have gone through is very similar. Her story is my story. I have gone through, and am currently going through a lot that she has gone through, and it is nice to know that I'm not completely alone. She has become and inspiration to me. I learned what was the meaning of Stay Strong in her eyes, and when I heard about it something changed me. I've decided to see Stay Strong in a slightly different perspective from now on. To me, Stay Strong is a reminder to myself that no matter what I'm going through I will get through it. And when I'm hurting or having my own problems, I am always reminded that no matter what everything will be all right in the end.

Now, I always write Stay Strong everyday in some place where I can see it as a reminder to myself. A reminder that everything will be all right, to never give up without a fight, that it's ok to cry, and to believe that one day I will look back and remember that I stayed strong..

Stay Strong<3

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Quote {The Worst Feeling}

I was on Pinterest the other day and I ran across this quote. Usually quotes that I pin are short, simple, and once in a while I find one that I can really relate to. This one was different. It describes my past and sometimes a little of my present. When I started reading it, I realized that this was what I felt inside me that I just couldn't find the words to. It describes my past so perfectly that it fits like a piece in a jumbo puzzle. That horrible feeling that this quote describes often brought me down, and made some things difficult to deal with. It was confusing, hurtful, and indescribable. I often just kept it to myself, because I never really knew how to say it or if I even wanted to say it. I've learned over the past year that hiding those things really doesn't help get rid of it. At all. Anyway, I thought I would post this, because someone has asked me about this topic and how I felt. Well, I finally found something that helps put those feelings in to words.
Anywhooo... I hope you all are having a good summer! I plan on posting photos of my incredible COSMOS experience soon!
lovelovelove,
Melissa

I have a crazy life.

I find it crazy how my life can just change in a blink of an eye. I don't know, it's just crazy to me. Yesterday, I was looking through old diary entrees, letters, and text messages. It's crazy, because one moment everything was going perfect, and the next moment everything turned bad. This happened a few times this school year. I'm amazed that my emotions ranged from this super happy me to a very lost, hurting me. It's just.... just crazy.

There was a point when I was so happy, and I didnt think life could get any better. I was just so happy with everything. Receiving a special valentine and getting to go on a date with a special someone, going on trips with friends, getting accepted to the program of my dreams, and just having fun in general. I was relaxed and felt strong hope for my future. Those days were phenomenal. I felt on top of the world. Reading those old entrees made me smile, and giggle at my goofiness.

Then, a few entrees later something just hit me like a car crashing into a brick wall. I was lost, and I was silent. There were endless nightmares, continuous nights without sleep, stress affecting my body, times when I lost touch with God, a whirlwind of emotions, and so much more. I felt lost, confused, betrayed, stressed, helpless, sad, and scared. Through all this time, I kept to myself, and tried my best to not show those feelings. I feel like I was deceiving people with my smile, but really all I felt was hurt. I recently read those entrees about the times when I ate lunch alone, or my urge to be perfect, or my overall confusion about life and who I was. It's sad to see that I went through those things.

Although, I was very fortunate to have this random feeling inside me telling me to come out of my shell a little bit and ask someone for help. As many of you guys know, I'm a very shy person sometimes, so this was hard for me to accept. Eventually, I texted a new friend of mine this year, and asked her for some simple advice about how to deal with a certain situation that I didn't really know how to handle at the time. I had texted her earlier in the year too when I needed other help, but at that time we weren't as close. We talked for a while, and then all of a sudden something changed inside me. I started telling her that all she does means so much to me, and started telling her some things I had never told anyone in my entire life. I told her how it has recently been really hard for me to trust anybody, but then I told her one of my biggest secrets. She and I are the only ones on this planet who know. It took some great courage for me to tell her, but something about her made me have this deep feeling of trust. She made me promise her some things, and she helped by listening, giving advice, understanding what I was going through, and just simply being there. This conversation ended up being a really long one, but in the end I realized and learned some things. I learned it's ok to feel, it's ok to be scared, and that it's really ok to cry. I learned a lot from those long nights.

Photo Credits: Sugar Sweet Photography

Unfortunately, this wasnt the happy ending. The following days were still hard. I tried to remind myself about the things that she and I talked about, but sometimes it was just too hard. The following Friday, I was seriously at the point of wanting to just give up. I had practically no sleep for two whole weeks, I couldn't eat even if I tried, I was stressed beyond belief because of the tests I had that day, I continued to relive some of my past, and I was still confused, hurt, and emotionless. After my second test of that day, I was beyond upset. I didnt finish one of the tests, and my body and mind were breaking down. I still kept telling myself to stay strong, and that I dont have time to act. I went to the music room, and found a private room. I pulled out my history textbook, and tried to study. I was trying extremely hard to read the words, but the tears started blocking my vision. I tried to fight it, but before I knew it, I was shaking, and crying my eyes out. I felt defeated. I texted my friend again and told her that this day just kept getting worse and worse. The bell rang, and I pulled myself together. Many of my friends tried to make me smile, but at that point I was beyond the point of even trying to smile. Once school was out, my friend continued to checked up on me every few hours (probably because she thought I sounded suicidal,) and tried to comfort me in every way she could. I love her for that. Sometimes I just need that sense of comfort and protection.

I got better slowly, but surely. I was really hurting for a long time, and like I said earlier, it's crazy how my life changes in the blink of an eye. I now have a best friend who is always there for me... even when I'm falling to pieces, I pray everyday to not have to go through the pain that I did, I am always reminding myself of the promise I made, I'm learning, and I'm seeing the light again. The days are becoming brighter, and the summer is coming. The dark, gloomy nights are finally leaving. My smile has reappeared, and I'm really enjoying life now. I'm liking this new feeling, and I think it's here to stay.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

OMG! Big News!!!

I got home yesterday very tired. {I didn't get much sleep, because I was studying.} I went to my parents bedroom and watched a few episodes of my favorite TV shows. Then, my brother got the idea to watch to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was pretty good. It was a little sad, but I also thought it was a pretty fun movie, despite the moments when I had to force Liam to cover his eyes. Afterwards, I made Liam his own dinner, pizza, and I had a strong feeling I wasn't going to eat again. I cant eat pizza anymore, along with a lot of other foods. Even though i couldn't eat it, Liam was dancing around the house all excited. He probably could marry pizza.
My mom got home from work very happy, and all giddy. She called me over into the kitchen to show me something on the iPad.  It was the email I had been waiting for for months. I read it quietly, and by the time I had finished I was crying and grinning at the same time. I had been accepted to a UC Davis Astrophysics Program during the summer! I started crying even harder once I reread the second to last paragraph. I got a full scholarship!! I was shaking and crying so much. I just couldn't believe, and still cant, that I, Melissa Torres, made it into the program of my dreams. I feel so blessed. I feel like this a dream. You guys, I'm going! I don't even know how to express how I feel besides saying "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
So many other good things have been happening in the last 2 days, but this definitely tops all of them! I have been praying for betters day comparison to the ones a few weeks back. Yesterday, I prayed before school, and asked to please help me. I was feeling stressed, tired, and worried, but I put everything into His hands. I let Him lead the way, and now look at the amazing things He had done for me. I'm so blessed.

This video above is the song that has been helping me get through all of my rough days. I cant even tell you how much I can relate to this song. I have been singing this song at 1 or 2 in the morning crying for God's help. He listens so much.
I hope you guys are all doing fabulous! I love you all!
lovelovelove
Melissa

Believe

So many people have asked me why I write the word Believe. I write it on my hand, others' hands, my textbook covers, my dry-erase board, and even the steamed mirror in the bathroom. I write it, because it's a special word to me. It has so many meanings. The word inspires me, and gives me strength everyday. The word can be extra sentimental to me, especially on my hardest days. When I'm down, I always remind myself to Believe.

Believe.

Believe everything will be ok.

Believe in God.

Believe that it's ok to be scared.

Believe that its ok to face your fears.

Believe that you have the strength.

Believe in your dreams.

Believe you can do anything you set your mind to.

Believe in love at first sight.

Believe you can let go.

Believe you can run that extra mile.

Believe the pain you feel today will make you stronger tomorrow.

Believe you can prove them wrong.

Believe you can do this.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in taking chances.

Believe everybody makes mistakes.

Believe you will move on.

Believe that the tears streaming down your face indicate your strength, not weakness.

Believe that not everyone is a liar.

Believe in magic.

Believe that you deserve better.

Believe you wont be alone forever.

Believe it's ok to cry.

Believe that you must take care of yourself.

Believe in kissing.

Believe you have the power.

Believe you dont need certain people or things to be happy.

Believe in believing.

Believe it's ok to have 2 cookies once in a while.

Believe that your best friend might not be the one you've known the longest, but the one that's never
left your side.

Believe in happily ever afters.

Believe it's ok to be yourself.

Believe that hot chocolate, cinnamon bears, and a big hug is the best remedy to anything.

Believe that you cant always be the strong one.

Believe that everything happens for a reason.

Believe that the time will come.

Believe it's ok to be sad sometimes.

Believe in singing at the top of your lungs for the whole world to hear.

Believe you can be whoever you want to be.

Believe they're always here for you.

Believe.


lovelovelove,
Melissa

Words of Inspiration

Hi everyone! I am in the mood right now to post some of my most recent, favorite quotes. I hope you guys enjoy them, because I know I do. Some are more personal than others, but I still love them all the same.

 

I hope these few words will inspire you. When I was posting these I thought of a particular friend, and I just want to say thank you. I have no clue if you will ever read this, but I want you to know that I am so thankful to have you in my life. Everyday you make me stronger. Your kind words, and your long, comforting hugs help me get through so much. You will always be in my heart. Even the day you go to college, remember this quote below.

Even the days that are the hardest, you still keep me strong. When I feel lost in this world, and don't know where to turn, you hold my hand and get me through it all. I don't know how I would live without you in my life. But I do know one thing for sure, that I am so grateful that you are. Thank you Gillian. I love you. :)

lovelovelove,

Melissa