Change.

I looked back today, and realized that I haven't used my camera since November. I know. What the heck is wrong with me? You want to know why? Well, I won't go in to detail, but I have been fighting through a lot: eating problems, depression, anxiety... that's just a few to title. Through all of this stuff I have been going through, I have lost touch with many things that used to mean the world to me. I lost my perfect grades. I lost a healthy body. I lost my interest in photography. I lost the joy in dancing. I lost friends. I lost motivation. I lost my connection with God. I lost many, many things.

Although I had lost many things, this weekend I have gained a few back. My grades are starting to go up again. I have pulled out my camera again, and started shooting whatever caught my eye. I am starting ballet this summer. I have motivated myself enough to do things I would not have done a week ago. And most importantly, I have started talking to God again.

I know, this is all kind of a big deal. Melissa's fixed!!! Haha, probably not. I don't think things like that happen in just one weekend, but this weekend has given me hope for a better future. After drowning so much in my issues for so long, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I keep praying that that light is not just a candle fooling me, but that it is actually God leading me to a better, happier place.

Here are just a couple of shots I took around my room. I'm such a fool, but that's okay. :P

Studying has kind of been a priority lately.....

and sometimes I get distracted and draw smiley faces on my erasers....

or go on tumblr for a little while...

Did I forget to tell you that it's finally JUNE?!?!?!

Typical awkward mirror selfie...

One of my faves on my wall.

Did I happen to tell you guys I got a new baby a couple months ago?! Thanks Daddy!

I truly hope that I continue to feel in this brighter mood. It is honestly such a relief to feel like this for once. Feeling constantly down and hopeless is not in anyway fun, and it makes you question many things. Hopefully this change will stay, and things will start to look upwards from now on. Love you guys! xo

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Thankful, But Emotional

I recently grew quite close with one of my teachers. I wasn't even expecting it to happen the way it did. I was just talking to her about my grade when she asked me about something I wrote. She knew that at least when I had written it, I was really hurting. It's really hard for me to talk about my feeling and what's on my mind, but I just let go a little and told her. Before I could finish what I was saying some people walked into the room, and the conversation never got finished. I went home, and felt that things were left unclear. I went on the computer and wrote her a long email. I think that my emotions sort of overwhelmed and took over me. What I thought was going to be a short, to-the-point email ended up being a really emotional, heart-felted one. After I sent it, I kept hoping I would receive and email response right away, but I never did. When I got to her class she asked if she and I could talk after school. My anxiety started to kick in, and my heart started to race. I was really nervous, so I started to read some of things that people wrote in my yearbook. I came across my friend, Gillian's, and almost started crying. Her's was so down to earth, and personal. It really brought tears to my eyes. That distracted me for the time until school was completely over. After school, I went to her with butterflies in my stomach hoping she wasn't going to think I was crazy, or think that I had some SERIOUS problems or something. Luckily, I was wrong. She talked to me, and was able to connect with me for once. She and I talked for a while, but eventually I had to go meet some friends before they got worried. I was a little shaken up afterwards, because mainly I was really fighting back tears the whole time she and I were talking. {Gillian, if you are reading this right now I know what you are thinking and I'm sorry. I'm trying hard. :/} Also, some of the stuff we talked about were just really hard to bring back to the surface. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really thankful that she pulled me aside in the first place. I'm really thankful to be able to have talked about some of that stuff with an adult, and for her to be able to understand, connect, and give me advice on the matter. As nervous as I was today, I'm really glad that it happened.
Anyway, today was sort of tough knowing that the seniors are graduating tomorrow. I'm so sad that they're leaving. I grew so great relationships with them, and some of those relationships were so strong that thinking that the seniors are not going to be here with me next years makes me want to cry. Some of them were my best friends. Two in particular I will miss a lot. David who can always make me smile, and I can talk about some of those most awkward but hilarious things ever with. And Gillian who was always there to pick me up when I was down, and who became one of my bestest friends. I'll miss them all so much. Tomorrow will be an emotional day for me as I see them graduate without me, but I honestly couldnt be prouder of them. I'll miss you guys! :')
lovelovelove,
Melissa

OMG! Big News!!!

I got home yesterday very tired. {I didn't get much sleep, because I was studying.} I went to my parents bedroom and watched a few episodes of my favorite TV shows. Then, my brother got the idea to watch to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was pretty good. It was a little sad, but I also thought it was a pretty fun movie, despite the moments when I had to force Liam to cover his eyes. Afterwards, I made Liam his own dinner, pizza, and I had a strong feeling I wasn't going to eat again. I cant eat pizza anymore, along with a lot of other foods. Even though i couldn't eat it, Liam was dancing around the house all excited. He probably could marry pizza.
My mom got home from work very happy, and all giddy. She called me over into the kitchen to show me something on the iPad.  It was the email I had been waiting for for months. I read it quietly, and by the time I had finished I was crying and grinning at the same time. I had been accepted to a UC Davis Astrophysics Program during the summer! I started crying even harder once I reread the second to last paragraph. I got a full scholarship!! I was shaking and crying so much. I just couldn't believe, and still cant, that I, Melissa Torres, made it into the program of my dreams. I feel so blessed. I feel like this a dream. You guys, I'm going! I don't even know how to express how I feel besides saying "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
So many other good things have been happening in the last 2 days, but this definitely tops all of them! I have been praying for betters day comparison to the ones a few weeks back. Yesterday, I prayed before school, and asked to please help me. I was feeling stressed, tired, and worried, but I put everything into His hands. I let Him lead the way, and now look at the amazing things He had done for me. I'm so blessed.

This video above is the song that has been helping me get through all of my rough days. I cant even tell you how much I can relate to this song. I have been singing this song at 1 or 2 in the morning crying for God's help. He listens so much.
I hope you guys are all doing fabulous! I love you all!
lovelovelove
Melissa

Great Night

Last night was absolutely amazing! Though, before I tell you why, I will start from the beginning. I woke up not feeling so well, since I have been recovering from a minor cold. I had some of my favorite cereal, and went on pinterest and instagram for a while. Then, I went and talked with Diane for a few hours. It was a pretty normal morning. This is practically my everyday morning routine. Anyways, my day went on, and I enjoyed it. My brother, Liam, and I watched tv shows, wrestled for a while, and got to eat treats from our neighbors. When my mom came home from doing a wedding (she is a hairstylist,) I hopped in the shower. Then, after, she did my hair and made it straight and pretty. I really didnt want to have my normal hair for the big event, so I was really lucky that she was willing to do it, even though she was exhausted. Then, I put on my black dress, and put on some red lipstick. I was set! I called Paola and she picked me up and we were off. Off where? Well, off to our christmas concert! We got there at our call time, which was about an hour before the performance, and got to hang out with friends, and practice. My friends, Brian, "surprised" me by coming to watch. I ran up to him and gave him a huge hug. I missed him so much, I hadn't seen him since he came over to my house a few weeks back. We got to hang out forever, and having a bunch of fun. Diane then came up to me and gave me a mountain dew, like she said she would this morning. I thought we was kidding, but hey I'm not arguing over an awesome mountain dew! Also, I ended up talking with a bunch of random people from orchestra, and it was really fun to get to know them. It was really random when two freshman came up to me, and were like, "Omg! You are so freaking gorgeous! Do you wear cover up? Do you where blush? I'm so jealous!" I was shocked. They were so sweet, and I couldn't help but keep saying thank you over and over again. It is kind of weird, because this keeps happening. Random people will walk up to me and say how pretty I am. It's kind of awkward, because I never really think to much about my appearance. I mean, if you know me, you know that half of my closet is full of boys clothes. But thanks guys!
Anyways, the concert began, and we all went into the church to watch the excellent chamber orchestra. (They are the top students in our class.) Then, our turn was up. I passed Brian and Gillian, and gave them a nervous and excited smile. I got up onto the stage, and of course there wasnt a chair for me, so I had to get Mr. Jimenez's attention. We eventually got a chair, and then we were able to begin. I was so nervous! I was so afraid that something bad was going to happen. We played our first piece, and we nailed it! It sounded brilliant, and I was so excited then! I was literally acting like such a goon, because I was so happy we played it well. The rest of the concert was like that, and each of our pieces sounded great. In the last piece, the choir joined us, and I was really excited. We had a great concert so far, and I was hoping that this song was going to be a show stopper. The song started out for e to be a little shaky, because I was nervous about playing with the choir. Then I started to realize that I was hitting all the notes, and I was doing better than any of my other time! I was so happy, I was smiling the whole rest of the concert. The song finished and I was absolutely ecstatic. We bowed to a substantial applause, and left the stage. I got to say my last goodbyes, and a lady told me i did great. I think that she was Gillian's mom, but I'm not completely positive. Then, I went home after saying goodbye to Brian, Diane, Ray, and Cameron. It was a great night, and I am so happy that it went so well! Well, talk to you guys later! xoxoxo!
lovelovelove,
Melissa

Words of Inspiration

Hi everyone! I am in the mood right now to post some of my most recent, favorite quotes. I hope you guys enjoy them, because I know I do. Some are more personal than others, but I still love them all the same.

 

I hope these few words will inspire you. When I was posting these I thought of a particular friend, and I just want to say thank you. I have no clue if you will ever read this, but I want you to know that I am so thankful to have you in my life. Everyday you make me stronger. Your kind words, and your long, comforting hugs help me get through so much. You will always be in my heart. Even the day you go to college, remember this quote below.

Even the days that are the hardest, you still keep me strong. When I feel lost in this world, and don't know where to turn, you hold my hand and get me through it all. I don't know how I would live without you in my life. But I do know one thing for sure, that I am so grateful that you are. Thank you Gillian. I love you. :)

lovelovelove,

Melissa