Hidden Side {Suicide}

Hi everyone. I don't think I've ever touched the subject of suicide and I feel that it needs to be talked about. Not later. Not next week. Not tomorrow. Right now.

Last night was one of the roughest nights I've ever lived through. One of my closest friends texted me, asking me not to be mad. I didn't understand at first and asked why. She replied that she had overdosed. Everything in me started to shut down. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't control the tears falling from eyes. One of my best friends had just overdosed and I couldn't be there to save her. I tried to convince her to make herself throw up to get them out and to tell someone. She refused. She didn't want to be alive anymore and I couldn't even stop what she had done. Honestly, this is the worst part about long distance. Having her on the east coast and me over here is so scary, especially when things like this happen. I continued talking with her, trying to convince her to tell someone. She was starting to get nauseous. Then she told me she was scared. She realized she didn't want to die. I called the campus police at her school and told them where she was and what was happening. They hung up and I never heard back. I didn't know what happened. She stopped texting and no one called to tell me what happened. I stayed up all night praying, crying, shaking, hoping. She finally texted me saying that she was okay and thank you for saving her life.

Suicide is honestly one of the scariest things ever. If I hadn't decided to text her, I might have never heard her beautiful voice or seen her beautiful smile again. That thought has me shaking like crazy right now.

Please, if any one of you is considering suicide or needs help, come talk to me. Please. I am here for you. Suicide isn't worth it. My friend didn't even die and I have not stopped shaking since that first text. Please know that you are loved. SO LOVED. I love you so freaking much. I may or may not even know you, but I love you. And your family, pets, friends, acquaintances, strangers would miss you so much. Please. You are not worthless. Life DOES get better. It may seem foggy now, but just like everything else, this will, too, pass. Please stay strong. Not just for me and those who love you, but for yourself. I love you.

lovelovelove,
Melissa

Hidden Side {Body Confidence}

In the last month or two there has been a lot of negativity in my life. There have been people that haven't been too nice... Girls who are shoving me, stepping on my ankles, and calling me foul names in the hallways is just the tip of the iceberg. It's kind of unfortunate that I'm used to that kind of stuff though. Middle school was the same way. I have always seemed to be an easy target. Very few friends have actually cared either, which granted, makes things more difficult.

Unfortunately, I can't say that's all the negativity in my life. I've been sick for years fighting self hatred and body image problems. At a young age of 12 I started to think I was fat. I hated my body. I never liked to go swimming, because I never thought I was pretty or skinny enough to be in a bathing suit. In the last year or so, my body confidence has dropped significantly. It has affected me in many ways. Everyday became a struggle. My voice inside my head telling myself I wasn't good enough was stronger and worse than the voices outside...

But...

I'm not here to write a sob story. I could go on and on, but I'm pretty sure you would get bored of my seemingly never-ending novel of sadness. I want this to be focused on the accomplishments I've gained despite the issues I have been dealing with. I have made many little ones, but most of them are not special unless you're me or they're just simply to personal for me to share.

So, anyway...

I've been really working hard on accepting myself for who I am... that includes my mistakes, flaws, numbers, health, everything. I'm happy to say that I've been having more days that I wake up feeling confident and happy with who I am.

I don't have much really to say about that now that I think about it, but I just felt like sharing that little accomplishment. I'm just happy that I'm moving in a better direction. Yes, I do still have bad days... today, for example. But it gives me hope for the future. It gives me hope that some day I will be able to say I am 100% happy with who I am, everyday, no matter what.

Kisses<3

lovelovelove,
Melissa